Haja-ajatuksia

E. kävi kylässä, laittanen kuvia myöhemmin. Pohjois-Irlanti kolmessa päivässä, kahvia, kuppiloita ja kävelyä. Suomea ja suomalaisuutta. Yökerhon tanssilattian seinän yli jalkakäytävälle vipatut jäät lasista. Lasten vähäpukeisuuden päivittelyä. Hiljaisuutta ruokapöydässä. Sitä, että saa vihdoin puhua ja analysoida kotinsa ja tämän perheensä olemusta ja luonteita sillä kielellä, millä syväanalyysit onnistuu.

Kopioin tänään opinto-opasta, kopiokone jumiutui. Sen sisältä löytyi lopulta "ekumenia". Liekö symboliikkaa?

Toiset lähtee, toiset jää. Täällä on koti ja kotoisaa, en ikävöi Suomeen juurikaan. Meidän talossa eletään leppoisaa aikaa, on lupa olla onnellinen täällä ja lupa mennä lomalle ja olla poissa. Me ikävöimme vähän ja toivotamme tervetulleeksi takaisin. Täällä on hyvä.

Tuntuu, että huhtikuun lomalento jää yksisuuntaiseksi. Tahtoisin tulla takaisin junalla.

Tänään oli tuplasynttärit, toinen sankari palasi pääkaupungista naama valkoisena, toinen huuli tikattuna ja arpinaamaisena. Rankkaa on nuorten miesten elämä.

VICE Guide to Belfast

I am aware that a lot of people don't know what actually is going on in Northern Ireland. In fact, I only knew the basics when I first came. Bits of some people's reality, especially during the marching season in the summer, have only come more true on the way. I was writing to Changemaker's Globalisti magazine this week and checking some facts online led me to this documentary. It is slightly weird at times and if I were the documentarist I might have abandoned the idea of actually throwing petrol bombs myself. But mostly it is quite good. In fact, the interface where the men are talking about the catholic church nearby is one of the sites we visited in the early autumn.

Ja merikin oli sekaisin.

Kävelin auringossa meren rantaan ja vakkarikahvilaan. Merikin oli sininen ja kameran mielestä päivä ja rantahiekkakin sinersi. Mietin, olisiko minusta laittamaan neulomuksia Etsyyn ja sitä, miten ruoho aina vihertää aidan toisella puolella.

Toimintasuunnitelmassani seuraavana on sähköpostien lähettely niin Cambridgen kuin Oxfordinkin yliopistojen vammaistoimistoille ja niille muutamalle Cambridgessa opiskelleelle (suomalais)teologille, joiden yhteystiedot ystäväni minulle välitti.

Yritän vakuutella, että asiat järjestyy kyllä ja että oikeastaan seuraava olennainen pähkinä purtavaksi on asunnonhaku. Haluaisin päätyä saman seurakunnan alueelle Helsinkiin kuin mistä lähdin, jotta paikkani seurakuntaneuvostossa ja kirkkovaltuustossa säilyisi.

Alkavan viikon töihin kuuluu kaksi valtavaa ala-astelaisten päiväretkeä, lasten lukumäärä hipoo kuuttakymmentä kumpanakin päivänä ja iän voi ilmoittaa yhdellä numerolla. Torstaina E. tulee kylään, saan puhua suomea ja olla turisti pitkän viikonlopun ajan.

Yliopistoetsintä jatkukoon.

Eilen tartuin ensimmäistä härkää sarvista ja lähetin sähköpostia yhdelle meidän yhteisön jäsenelle, joka opettaa Irish School of Ecumenicsissa. Siellä on kolme maisteriohjelmaa, joista yksi on kulttuurien- ja uskontojenvälistä teologiaa, yksi rauhanopintoja ja kolmas on konfliktien ratkaisun ja sovinnon koulutusohjelma. Kuulostaa suomeksi kyllä tosi hipiltä, mutta on todellisuudessa yhteiskunta- tai valtiotieteellistä ja teologista kunkin opiskelijan itse valitsemassa sekoitussuhteessa. Nyt vastauksia odotellessa!

Kahlailin eilen Cambridgen teologisen henkilökunnan profiileja, heidän opettamiaan kursseja ja tutkimusaiheitaan. Vähän epäilyttää, että onko siellä ketään, kenen kanssa minun intressini osuisivat yksiin, sillä minua ei liiemmin värisytä kirkkoisät tai Vanha Testamentti. Selasin myös college'ien vammaisopiskelijoille tarkoitettuja sivuja, joilla kuvailtiin ihan kaikki mahdolliset piirteet näkövammaisnäkökulmasta. Vähän nauratti mm. nämä:

"Day" light and magnifier availabe in library.

Very little signposting around College (except to keep off the grass).

Sitten eksyin selailemaan Oxfordin nettisivuja ja kas, siellä on teologisessa luennoitsija, jonka intresseihin kuuluu se anteeksianto, josta minä haluaisin kandini kirjoittaa! Oxfordin maisteriohjelmat kestävät lähes kaksi vuotta, joten kustannuksetkin nousisivat aika korkeiksi.

Shattered.

Pasila station, Helsinki.

There are days when you are shattered. When you can't see things that are real or the real meanings of things but get stuck in routines, tasks and duties. Hauling fruit and milk from one building to another, listening to bitter feedback from the kitchen when the timetables don't match and from the visitors when the timetables don't match. Wondering how many loafs of toast five families and ten volunteers can eat in a day (around 10). Days when you feel that all of a sudden you have 18 mouths to feed and two colleagues to herd.

Days when you hear that your one on one meeting with your supervisor has been forgotten from the schedule and days when the programme only you were volunteering to design seems to be designed without you.

Days when you realize that the peace degrees all over the world are mostly occupied by Americans and that it might not be realistic to fix all the bad grades you've got in your degree during the next academic year.

Some days you just feel that would've been worth skipping.

Sorry for the whining.

Cambridge II.

Cambridge was colour. Cold and warm. Opposites. Calm and busy at the same time.

I am taking baby steps, trying to find connections and reasons and good arguments. The theology degree in Oxford takes as long as the same degree at home, so that isn't really a viable option. Cambridge has an excellent one-year master's programme in theology. Irish School of Ecumenics combines theology with peace and conflict studies, but the majority of the students are American. In my eyes that is a big minus. Not too many people seem to know details about the peace degree in Bradford. I continue taking baby steps.

Standard Saturday.

Today I woke up to my daddy's phone call. The sun was shining, breakfast toast was as good as white toast with butter always is and my suggestion of a walk to town to a cafe got a positive response. I wrapped myself in layers of outdoor clothing and off we went, the three of us. The weather was perfect for a Saturday morning stroll down hill but the universe has decided something else: the centre director caught us after 50 metres and offered us a lift to the beach. Nice one!

As we took the few steps down to the beach I felt the water on the cold metal railing and smelled the wind - summer memories came back. Smiling, laughing volunteers walking to the beach in the soft sunset light, happy families with their toddlers on the beach. We walked on the beach, the three of us. E. picked stones and kept on telling us how "we live in a paradise".

The cream tea was delicious, earl grey tea and clotted cream on my fresh blueberry scone made me relax in the warmth. We had conversations of life, small talk, food, future, our countries. It was nice, enjoyable quality life. Kaukana kavala maailma.

Afterwards we walked to the bus stop, E. was hoping to get to Coleraine and we decided to wait for 15-20 minutes and see what would happen. The bus never came, but we had time to talk about Toby Ord (I'll tell you later too!) and the decision making in humanitarian crisis. We saw the wonderful puppy and the dog-in-law of a friend family and then we heard the harmonica. Instead of Snufkin's approach it means that our volunteer family is nearby - Teuvo has discovered the instrument that we all get to enjoy.

And so we walked to town. Found a valentine's surprise for the kids next door. Bought some chocolate and goat cheese. The new Country Living was out and I got the last copy. Our veg shop was still open, I got my avocado and a few apples. The battery of my watch was changed for a bargain price and the bakery shopping was surprisingly cheap too. It is a sports day, the towns main street (that got the new only traffic lights this week) was roaming with sounds from the pub as men were watching football, rugby and horse racing. We went to our local and there was the better barman there! He heats the glass first, stirs the sugar in the hot water until it dissolves, only then adds the best possible whisky to the drink and adds the lemon slice with cloves in it as the very last detail. Oh my word how happy I was! E & Millie were laughing at me.

At home I had the most enjoyable late lunch or early dinner in a long time. Goat cheese, apple, good bread, porrige, milk, tea, brown sugar and a date scone. Life doesn't get any better than this.

Action plan.

When most of my fellow volunteers started getting anxious about their future in the beginning of December I felt comfortably confident. "I'm lucky to have a plan: next year I'll be back in Helsinki, finishing my bachelor's and then continuing to master's, probably applying to exchange programmes to spend a year abroad." At least so I thought.

Gradually I started discovering different details about conflict studies. I hosted a group that aims in interfaith dialogue and social change. I met people from different universities and denominations.

And then Cambridge happened.

Suddenly I got all these questions in my head. Do I really want to study in order to be ordained? How can I combine theology to the conflict studies? Could I write my thesis about forgiveness? Or about community? Or about disability? Where's the theologyin these topics? Should I go and do my master's abroad after all? Apply to Irish School of Ecumenics and study conflict resolution and reconciliation or interfaith theology? Or to Bradford, abandon theology and concentrate on peace studies? Or should I apply to Oxford for a two-year master's programme in theology? Or to Cambridge where the degree only takes a year? Would the prestigious university with its' supervisions and tutorials offer me a brilliant possibility to find the theology in forgiveness?

And it all started to be a little too overwhelming.
So I did what I always do: an action plan.
Whom to email, whom to call. What do I want to ask.

Cambridge.

Cambridge was buns and cakes, teas and coffees. Formal Hall dinner with old and new friends. Grace in Latin and pennies in wineglasses. Smart and casual students on lunch breaks. Cambridge was treats and traditions. Hard work made beautiful and charming. Relaxing wine and smokey whiskeys. Scandinavian cafes and parties in college basements.

Edinburgh.

For my wee 6-day holiday in the beginning of February I originally planned to do a combined Edinburgh & Scottish highlands tour. Well, it turned out to be something else in the end, but it still started in Edinburgh. Enjoy the views, the weather was on my side!